My Thoughts on Gay Marriage

For more thoughts on the issues we really care about, look for “Practically White” my new comedy book/cd out in 2009.

Why is it so hard for our country to finally pass a law accepting Gay marriage?  Are we so afraid of the gay germs or the gay cooties?  What’s wrong with letting two Mary’s prance down the aisle together wearing matching tuxedos?  Is promising each other a life time of quarrels on who’s going to be on top and who’s going to refill the vat of industrial sized grape scented lubricant, just too much for us to comprehend? 

You would think that in the year 2008, Gay marriage would pass in a snap.  I mean we’re a country that’s highest rated show is about ballroom dancing!  Since when did watching 8 actors whose celebrity is quite questionable in the first place learning how to do the waltz considered mainstream entertainment?  When exactly did it become acceptable for man’s man Emmitt Smith to pirouette around a dance floor on primetime TV?  This should be an offense punishable only by public stoning or death by Dutch oven.

If we’re anti-gay than why is American Idol entering its 8th season?  Are there not enough fruits on that show to fill a farmer’s market?  I mean was anybody that surprised when Clay Aiken revealed he was gay, after fathering a test tube baby with a 50 year old woman named James?  The entertainment industry is chock full of gay’s, many of which we idolize without even knowing that they are homosexuals.  Would the world knowing that Barry Manilow enjoys the occasional Friday night romp full of scented candles, bubble baths, and throat fucking a 25 year old Puerto Rican drag queen really make us enjoy “Mandy” or “Copacabana” any less?

The gays have brought us many great inventions.  From show tunes, leather couches (as to not have their faces scratched up from cloth when getting pounded by their boyfriend into their sofa from behind), Will & Grace, and of course balloons (I mean come on, blowing up multi colored rubbers until they become the size of a watermelon and throwing them around the room saying you’re “ready for a party!”).  Where would we be without George Takei on Star Trek as Mr. Sulu?  So what if he wants to grease himself up and 69 a guy while listening to Judy Garland and watching old Burt Reynolds movies.   The guy is an icon!

Who cares if Ellen wants to bang a girl that’s too hot for even most straight guys to get?  Should Ellen not be allowed to walk down the aisle in her pant suit and sneakers, dancing like an epileptic, with her Jeff Foxworthy haircut, and the body frame of a 14 year old teenage boy?   Equality is her right as much as it is for anyone else’s.  Gay marriage is an issue I can endorse, because let’s face it, no law is going to stop two Broadway loving, Nathan Lane watching, John Tesh listening bear’s to stop from finding each other and treat each other’s assholes like a plunger digging into a backed up public stall.  Gay’s want to marry and raise kids and I say let them!  Most of us straight people are incapable of doing it ourselves and in the end without gays, who would really teach our kids Art in school anyways?